I use to believe that I could be a beacon of love. I could be steadfast pillar of patience, broadening my empathy wide enough, enabling me to understand all that ails my brothers and sisters. I use to think I could heal those ails, one by one, in micro-doses if need be.
This belief is one I do not want to surrender. Each day however my hope and commitment are eroded by the simple recognition of my own humanity. The past few years have brought discouragement in abundance. I made choices I didn’t truly understand and certainly didn’t want to pay the price of. These Choices cost me, time, money, shame, balance, and so much more. I have suffered in ways as a woman, I could never have imagined as a girl. Karma though, comes with both beauty and Irony. You can learn from it, allowing humility to nurture your soul or you can become comfortable in your shame, accepting its power over you.
So how does a person who has no more grace than any other, find ways to embody love consistently? How do I bring to life my belief? How do I let go of the dramas and the traumas that tie me to egocentrism so strongly?
It is impossible to avoid toxicity in others. Even those who have love for you may want you beholden to their misery. They can and will, tap your spirit slowly with expectations. When you do not meet their expectations (you didn’t think of me, you didn’t help me, this is your fault, I expected you were different, you were more, you were better) you will drink that doubt and become diminished, despite the fact that you were PERFECTLY yourself. People will act in utterly disrespectful ways under the guise of love. “Here, let me remind you of your shame and insufficiency, so that you can do things my way, the better way, the smarter way”. They will say it is out of concern, but be upset with you for not adhering to their advice. That is not respect. Respect says,” I trust that you are the master of your own destiny, I trust that you will fail, succeed, cope and flourish”. Respect does not try to control outcomes. It knows better. This is true in all kinds of relationships. People owe you nothing. Outside the parent/child or caregiver relationship, your choice to engage in relationship with others is ideally based on your respect (maybe even adoration) of the way a persons mind works. If you are preoccupied in coercing that mind to operate differently, you are showing neither respect nor love.
This doesn’t mean that we cannot express our desires, or evolve in/out of relationship. What it means is, when you attempt to convince another to see things your way, there must be a boundary of respect. That boundary is built by accepting others as they are. Contrary to the movies and stories, no person has been created solely for you. People are created in and of themselves, with that in mind we accept them, honor them, and love them. There must be a place where you stop and reflect on your choice to engage with the other person, recalling that you chose this person, as a lover, a friend, a business associate, etc. You do not have control over the other and the more you attempt to gain it, the more you ASSERT disrespect.
You also disrespect yourself in this scenario, because it is clear that you are looking for weakness in others, a way to break them or coerce them to conform. Your cards are in the air for any self-respecting person to see. Choose to grow, choose to allow, choose to let things go, and choose to avoid close associations that do not offer you what you are truly looking for. People do not deserve to be manipulated into something that better suits you. There is no trauma from childhood or otherwise that excuses one from treating others well. Find kindness, forgiveness and simplicity in yourself. Get rid of nonsensible drama.
Eighty years, if you’re lucky, that’s what you get. I say it all the time, because somehow, we forget so easily. Is your current plague, anxiety, or trouble worth sacrificing any bit of that time? If so, how much? These are important questions that deserve honest answers. I would implore, you find clarity before persisting in self destruction over any particular matter. If one is meant to love themselves, and love is a verb, meaning the manifestation of trust and respect, how might we better love ourselves? Isn’t this important, knowing that we can offer nothing to others without first retaining it ourselves?
I write these things in self guidance, with hopes that my own experience can shed light for someone, anyone around me. That I might remember these truths, MY truths, when doubt creeps in or comes upon me like an atomic trauma. I, who is as weak as any, but values this short earthly experience to the highest degree.
My ex-husband used to say to me, “you cannot hug the world with your stubby little arms”. As a rational woman, I have always understood that sentiment. I also appreciated his ability to notice that particular longing in my heart. My truth though, is I will never stop trying to hug the world. I cannot. The notion to thrive, to find peace in my moments and offer my love to others is built in me like a purpose. Should anyone attempt to hold this part of me hostage, my resistance is unbreakable. For at the bottom of every hole is ME. I know my truth and cannot shake it, even for the greatest of earthly desires. If all I ever have to offer, is the ability to help another find a similar wholesome place within him or herself, then may my arms be ever outstretched.
